Grandpa's underwear

For those who know me... I mean REALLY know me, then you know what John means when he says, "Honey, you live half your life in a spiral notebook"! I am a list maker. Now, I know for a fact some of you reading this are too and you are just not ready to take the first step and admit it! hahaha! Well, tonight, I made a grocery list. We are going to have 5 kids for a WHOLE WEEK for Spring Break (advance prayers are accepted). Anyway, I am trying to plan a menu for a week of feeding a litter of growing boys, teenagers, and a 7 year old who is so picky, she never likes anything... even stuff she LIKES, she will say she doesn't just to be difficult! So, naturally, I made a list! I didn't even make it through "breakfast" when I realized that I am going to have to take this list to WALMART. Now... for those who know me, you also know how I feel about going to WALMART (you have to say it in a really nasty voice to get the full effect of the caps lock). So, I condensed the list! I hope the kids are ok with dog food, cat food, litter, laundry soap, fabric softener, toilet paper, and paper towels. Maybe I should get some toothpaste too... Now, I realize this means I will just have to go back this weekend, but for now... the condensed list is looking good!

So off to the store I go! Mental checklist for walking out the door: list (check!), purse (check!), keys (where are my dang keys??), money (check!), common sense and sanity (oh hell, just go to the store without it!). Let's go!

Walking into WALMART, I dig for the list. I can't find it anywhere! I begin to sweat and feel a mild panic attack coming on. I can do this though... not very hard to remember dog food, cat food, litter, etc... so we hit the groceries first (bananas and applesauce). Then we make our way to the other end, stopping here and there as we please, to browse different, exciting things... OH! Just remembered! The boys need socks and boxers... Did you know that boxers are like ten bucks for a stinkin' 3 pack??? sheesh! I select the appropriate sizes and move on... and then I see it... BOXERS ON SALE FOR $3.50 FOR 4 PAIR!!! I am super mom! Just to be sure the size is right, I sneak a pair out of the package, being careful not to be spotted by secret security and... Oh. My. Gosh. They are all white and DO NOT have a "flush back", meaning they balloon in the rear end like something your grandpa would wear! Thank God I opened the package! Can you see the looks on their faces when the boys grab grandpa's underwear from the drawer? I showed John, hoping to get a good laugh from him, and he says I should buy them. I said I was gonna buy HIM some and he made a very valid argument that if he was to have to strip down to his skivvies and jump into a river to rescue a drowning old lady, people would be shocked when he came up out of the water with see through undies... hahaha! Ok, let's find the socks... then we move on to office supplies and then to the dog food, cat food, etc. We might have dropped a few other toiletry items into the cart along the way! After leaving the dog food aisle, we passed the fish. Yep, you guessed it! We bought one... and a bowl, rocks, a plant, and fish food! So, we went in after a few items and left the proud owners of a fish! A FISH!!! WHAT WAS I THINKING!!! Oh yeah... left the common sense and sanity at home... last time i do that! So now, we have to set up house for a dang betta and then try to find the time in our busy lives not to forget to feed it daily... ugh. AND... I forgot the freaking laundry soap and fabric softener! So... a dang lotta good that list was!

It doesn't end there... i wish it did... We get to the checkout and get lucky enough (at WALMART, let me remind you... the home of 4 open checkout stands), to get a lane that has one lady ahead of us! Why are all these other idiots waiting in lines? hahaha... we sure got them! Well, i think they were probably IN this lane at one point, maybe even hours ago, and moved when they figured out that every other checker in the store can get 10 people through to this lady's one! I can't win when it comes to WALMART! We finally get to the car, load our things and carefully situate the fish (again... what was I thinking?) and I sit down to start the car. Upon placing my left leg into the van, i procede to have the world's biggest, baddest, foot cramp that left me completely crippled and lasted FOREVER!!! After about five minutes of howling that sounded somewhat similar to giving birth, I traded John seats and he had to drive me home with my toes in full rigor mortis, and whining all the way. Must need potassium... good thing we have bananas!

We stop by my brother's house and dump the applesauce and bananas on the front porch, run, drive away, and then call to announce it's delivery. (They all have the vomiting/diarrhea stomach thing and the last thing I need is to have to hobble to the bathroom on my cramped foot with toes pointing north, east, and west). Forgot to keep a banana dangit! Now my foot will never straighten up! Should have put that on my list... "keep one banana for muscular wellness in left foot". Oh well... I'm home, warm in my snuggie, and I'll just fluff some dirty clothes in the dryer, bachelor style (since I have no laundry soap).

Moral of this story... buy the white grandpa undies. It will save you money.